...Your God is a Sick Fuck, part II

I've gotten some good feedback on my first post in this series, so I figured I'd give you guys another.

Let's talk about Genesis 19: Lot's adventures in Sodom.

We pick up the story after Genesis 18 wherein God is talking to Abraham. God was in a feisty mood that day, and decided he wanted to do some killin'. God figured those fags in Sodom would be a good place to start.

Well Abraham asked God not to kill everybody, but God was in a killin mood, so he told Abraham he would spare the city if there were 50 good people in it. I am assuming God knew there were not fifty people who meet his qualifications for good when he said this.

God and Abraham barter a bit, and eventually the number comes down to ten (all with God knowing full well that is going to kill everybody but Lot and his family anyway, right?). Well Abraham could not find the 10 good people in Sodom, so he gives God the okay to kill everybody, not that God really needed Abraham's okay.

Genesis 19 starts with God, in his infinite mercy, has decided that Lot is an okay dude so he'll warn him to get out of Sodom before the killin starts. God sends two angles to Lot's house to warn him.

Oh No! Those horny fagot townsfolk see the angels going to Lot's house, and they say...

19:4 But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter:
19:5 And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.

In case you are not up on your Bible Speak, the phrase "that we may know them" means "So we can fuck them in the ass".

Anyway, since Lot is a good dude (the one dude in Sodom who is worthy of saving from God's killin spree) he goes out to talk to the raping mob, and tries to broker a deal.

19:6 And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,
19:7 And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.
19:8 Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, the one good man in Sodom has a solution to our little problem. There is a crowd at his door, and this crowd is in a raping mood, so his idea is to give them his two virgin daughters to rape. I, not being a good man, would have tossed the angels to the crowd and said "Hey guys, here are a couple of Angels. I assume they have some kind of special angel powers that are going to allow them to fight you off, but if not go ahead and fuck them in the ass."

As a matter of fact in verse 19:11, the angels do open Lot's door and strike the crowd blind.

So anyway, a couple of verses later Lot starts warning his family about the impending killin God is about to do.

19:14 And Lot went out, and spake unto his sons in law, which married his daughters, and said, Up, get you out of this place; for the LORD will destroy this city. But he seemed as one that mocked unto his sons in law.

Wait - His daughters were married? The Bible is not really clear on this point, but I have to assume that Lot was lying to the crowd a couple of verses up when he told them his daughters were virgins. I guess if your going to toss your daughters out to be raped, you don't tell the rapists that your daughters are a bunch of loose whores.

So I guess we all know that Lot's wife, being another stupid woman, could not keep herself from looking back at her home town burning to the ground.

19:26 But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.

A little harsh for looking at your house burn down, but hey who I am to decide what is just. God wanted to do some killin, and burning down the whole city was not enough for him.

So after his home town burns down, Lot and his two daughter take up residence in a cave.

19:30 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.

I'm not really sure what happened to Lot's sons-in-law from earlier. It does not say that they got caught up in the killin or anything, but these next two verses lead me to believe that something must have happened to them.

19:31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:

19:32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

That's right, Lot's daughters conspire to get him drunk and fuck him. I guess they think that God when totally ape shit crazy and killed every man alive except their dad. I guess I can't really blame them for thinking this, because it's not really out of God's character to kill off humanity is it?

Anyway, I don't know how your cock works when your drunk, but for me if I was drunk enough not to notice that my daughters were trying to fuck me then my cock is not going to get hard. It's called whiskey dick.

Lot is immune to whiskey dick.

19:33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

And that pretty much wraps up our story. Lot's daughters each have a son, and each son goes on to head one of the twelve tribes of Israel.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you God.