...Your God is a Sick Fuck, Part V

I just love this God bashing stuff too much to stay away, so here we go again.

Now I hear a lot of "Sure the Old testament is kind of rough, but that is why Jesus came to earth. The New Testament much more moral."

I would agree that on balance, the New Testament is less horrible than the Old Testament. However, I have actually read the Bible and I am pretty sure that Jesus is just as much of a Sick Fuck as your Old Testament Jew God.

We can start with the idea that God had to send his son (who is really him) to earth to be tortured and sacrificed to absolve us of our sins.

Really?

Who is making these rules? If God is in charge, couldn't he forgive our sins with out the torture part? Is there some cosmic power that out ranks God and demands blood? It's either that, or your newfangled Jesus type God is still a Sick Fuck in my book.

However, I am sure that is not going to convince anyone that God is a truly Sick Fuck. Your already used to the idea of him nailing his son to a cross, so you are going to want more proof.

Today, I'll start with the book of Matthew. We don't have full on insane stories, like we do in Genesis, but we do have some pretty interesting one-liners.

1. Jesus tells a man who had just lost his father: "Let the dead bury the dead." 8:21
2. Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21
3. Jesus says that he has come to destroy families by making family members hate each other. He has "come not to send peace, but a sword." 10:34-36
4. Jesus warns us not to love our parents or children too much. We have to make sure that we always love him (who we don't even know existed) more than our family. 10:37
5. When Jesus' mother and brothers want to see him, Jesus asks, "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?" So much for Jesus' family values. 12:47-49
6. Jesus is criticized by the Pharisees for not washing his hands before eating. He defends himself by attacking them for not killing disobedient children according to the commandment: "He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death." (See Ex.21:15, Lev.20:9, Dt.21:18-21) So, does Jesus think that children who curse their parents should be killed? It sure sounds like it. 15:4-7
7. In the parable of the unforgiving servant, the king threatens to enslave a man and his entire family to pay for a debt. This practice, which was common at the time, seems not to have bothered Jesus very much. 18:25
8. "It is not good to marry."
   After Jesus denounces divorce, his disciples say that if divorce isn't allowed, then "it is good not to marry." Jesus agrees by saying that it is better to make yourself a eunuch "for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it." 19:10
9. Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward. 19:29
10. Jesus tells us to "call no man your father upon the earth." Not even dear old dad? How can we "honor our father" if we refuse to call him our father? 23:9
11. "Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days." Why? Does God especially hate pregnant and nursing women? 24:19
12. Jesus compares the kingdom of heaven to ten virgins who went to meet their bridegroom. 25:1
    

This Jesus guy seems like just as much of a prick as his old man to me.

...Your God is a Sick Fuck, part IV

We've covered a number of biblical topics that show if the Bible was really written, transcribed, or inspired by God then he is a sick fuck.

Today, I want to take the idea that if there is a God he is fucked in the head in a new direction.

One of the things I often hear from theists, or deists, is: "Sure the Bible is a load of shit, but just look around you. How would something so beautiful as a giant redwood come into being without God?"

Ladies and Gentlemen; the quickest way to convince me that you are a retard is to say something like that. The answer to that question is evolution by natural selection.

I'm not going to go into a huge science lesson here for a couple of reasons. First of all, fuck that shit. It would take me a long ass time to teach you evolution theory (when a scientist says "theory" he does not mean what you think he means, dipshit), and I don't want to spend a long time typing about topics that do not lend themselves to dick jokes.

What I will do, however, is pretend for a moment that God really did intelligently design the world and all the flora and fauna in it. In doing that, I will have the opportunity to once again point out the fact that if your God really does exist he is most assuredly a sick fuck.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Tarantula Hawk! The Tarantula Hawk is actually a wasp, and if this thing was designed by God, then he is most assuredly a sick fuck.

From the Wikipedia entry for this wasp:

They capture, sting, and paralyze the spider, then they either drag the spider back into her own burrow or transport their prey to a specially prepared nest where a single egg is laid on the spider’s body, and the entrance is covered. The wasp larva, upon hatching, begins to suck the juices from the still-living spider. After the larva grows a bit, it plunges into the spider's body and feeds voraciously, avoiding vital organs for as long as possible to keep it fresh.

I have no desire to meet the God that thought designing that thing was a good idea.

I could go though thousands of examples. From the arms race between cheetah and antelope (if God designed those two animals to run so fast that they constantly break themselves, he is truly an evil fuck), to the Ebola virus. If God really thought this shit up, then he is truly a sick bastard.

As always I welcome your comments. Unfortunately, the comments I do get are written by retards. If you look down at one of my earlier posts, there is a comment that appears to have been written by a monkey.

Hey - click some links while your at it, fuckholes. Maybe Google will give me money if you click a few of those!

...your God is a sick Fuck, Part III

When I decided to make a blog, I didn't really plan on just ranting about God. It's just that I get the most feedback from these, so I figure I'll go with it.

I am going to approach today's episode of "your God is a sick Fuck" a little differently. Today I am going to give you an assignment. Your homework is to pretend that you are going to die tomorrow, and you have a child that will be born today. I want you to write a list of 10 "rules to live by" for that child. The 10 things that you would tell that child to give it the best chance at having a good life. Go do that now, preferably in the comments section. I'll do the same below.

OK here are my rules for my unborn child.

1. Treat people like you want them to treat you. - That one is pretty self explanatory, and I think it should top any sane persons list.
2. Save your money. Once you get your first full time job set that as your "base income", then anytime you get a raise or change jobs for more money put 50% of that raise straight into savings.
3. Learn how to give a woman an orgasm. Really - most dudes can't fuck for shit. I can't tell you how much "referral pussy" I have gotten just because I can make a woman come.
4. Ask for proof. Don't believe shit people tell you with out seeing the proof. If someone tells you that vaccines cause autism, then you should ask for the proof. If someone tells you this pill will make your dick bigger, ask for the proof. If someone tells you God will get pissed off if you fuck a dude in the ass, ask for proof.
5. Learn how to examine evidence. This goes with #4, you have to know how to evaulate evidence.
6. Wear a rubber. I know pussy feels better than latex, but wearing a rubber will keep your ass out of SO much trouble.
7. Don't drink and drive.
8. Take a risk once in a while. Try some shit that you are scared of. I'm not taking about trying to fuck a wolverine, I mean try jumping out of a plane or ballroom dancing or asking a hot chick out.
9. Read. Reading is Fundamental!
10. Read the first 9 things I just said again. Really, it's good advice.

OK hopefully you wrote a list something like mine. It's probably not 100% the same, but it should be pretty close. If it's not close, you are most likely a giant asshole.

Now I want you to write another list. This time I want you to pretend you are starting a religion. I want you to write a list of 10 rules you can give to people that will make your religion grow, give you lots of power, and make you really fucking rich.

So here are my 10 rules for me new religion.

1. This religion is the one true religion. All other religions are fucking bullshit. If you don't join my religion you are a fucking looser and you are going to hell.
2. I am the one true God. Really, don't fuck with me on this one or I will fuck your shit up.
3. Don't even fuck around with pretending there are other Gods. I will set your balls and your children on fire if you fuck with me.
4. My name is really fucking important. Don't let any asshole make fun of me, and you should touch your forehead to the ground anytime you hear my name.
5. You need to come to my church and hear from my priest, Uncle Hatey, at least once a week. And bring you wallet, or you get the hose again.
6. Listen to your parents. They know I am the one true God and they bring their wallets.
7. Don't kill people, unless I or my priest say it's OK.
8. Don't be slinging that cock around. if your out there getting ass, then your not in here listening to Uncle Hatey.
9. Don't steal shit.
10. Don't be a lair.
    

So, any of this remind you of anything?

...the children are our future.

I've been a little lax in the posting shit for a week or so, I'd say "I'm sorry" but that would be a lie. There was a holiday weekend, and I ended up with a dead hooker I had to deal with. Shit happens, we take care of it.

So today I want to talk about the children. When exactly did they become our future? I grew up in the 70s, and I am pretty sure I was not anyone's future.

Now I've got a kid, and I am starting to see how the world has changed. He started 3rd grade this week, and for some stupid reason I needed to go by his school and see what an excellent learning environment my tax dollars were buying.

On the tour of the school there were a few things I noticed that really pissed me off. The first thing was the god damn peanut ban. I was fucking amazed at how many signs there are all around the god damned school proclaiming that peanuts are banned from school property!

I should have taken some pictures with my camera phone, but I didn't. I'll put up a picture of a naked woman here, and you can imagine it is a picture of a sign sayings "No Peanuts!"

The other thing I saw that pissed me off was in the gym. Actually what pissed me off was NOT in the gym - THERE WAS NO FUCKING ROPE.

Look people, this country is filled with pussies. Not the nice pink shaved kind, but the fat lazy useless kind. The quickest way to turn a little boy into a real man is to make him climb a rope.

I'm sure some of you fags would argue that point, and my response would be - when is the last time you climbed a rope?

Look, we are pretty much fucked and I have come to accept that. Fixing this country is going to be a huge task. All I am saying is there are a couple of easy things we can do to start setting the world right. Stop pretending everything will kill us (i.e. peanuts), and make the kids climb a rope.

Do that shit, and I promise this will be a better world.

...Your God is a Sick Fuck, part II

I've gotten some good feedback on my first post in this series, so I figured I'd give you guys another.

Let's talk about Genesis 19: Lot's adventures in Sodom.

We pick up the story after Genesis 18 wherein God is talking to Abraham. God was in a feisty mood that day, and decided he wanted to do some killin'. God figured those fags in Sodom would be a good place to start.

Well Abraham asked God not to kill everybody, but God was in a killin mood, so he told Abraham he would spare the city if there were 50 good people in it. I am assuming God knew there were not fifty people who meet his qualifications for good when he said this.

God and Abraham barter a bit, and eventually the number comes down to ten (all with God knowing full well that is going to kill everybody but Lot and his family anyway, right?). Well Abraham could not find the 10 good people in Sodom, so he gives God the okay to kill everybody, not that God really needed Abraham's okay.

Genesis 19 starts with God, in his infinite mercy, has decided that Lot is an okay dude so he'll warn him to get out of Sodom before the killin starts. God sends two angles to Lot's house to warn him.

Oh No! Those horny fagot townsfolk see the angels going to Lot's house, and they say...

19:4 But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter:
19:5 And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.

In case you are not up on your Bible Speak, the phrase "that we may know them" means "So we can fuck them in the ass".

Anyway, since Lot is a good dude (the one dude in Sodom who is worthy of saving from God's killin spree) he goes out to talk to the raping mob, and tries to broker a deal.

19:6 And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,
19:7 And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.
19:8 Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, the one good man in Sodom has a solution to our little problem. There is a crowd at his door, and this crowd is in a raping mood, so his idea is to give them his two virgin daughters to rape. I, not being a good man, would have tossed the angels to the crowd and said "Hey guys, here are a couple of Angels. I assume they have some kind of special angel powers that are going to allow them to fight you off, but if not go ahead and fuck them in the ass."

As a matter of fact in verse 19:11, the angels do open Lot's door and strike the crowd blind.

So anyway, a couple of verses later Lot starts warning his family about the impending killin God is about to do.

19:14 And Lot went out, and spake unto his sons in law, which married his daughters, and said, Up, get you out of this place; for the LORD will destroy this city. But he seemed as one that mocked unto his sons in law.

Wait - His daughters were married? The Bible is not really clear on this point, but I have to assume that Lot was lying to the crowd a couple of verses up when he told them his daughters were virgins. I guess if your going to toss your daughters out to be raped, you don't tell the rapists that your daughters are a bunch of loose whores.

So I guess we all know that Lot's wife, being another stupid woman, could not keep herself from looking back at her home town burning to the ground.

19:26 But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.

A little harsh for looking at your house burn down, but hey who I am to decide what is just. God wanted to do some killin, and burning down the whole city was not enough for him.

So after his home town burns down, Lot and his two daughter take up residence in a cave.

19:30 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.

I'm not really sure what happened to Lot's sons-in-law from earlier. It does not say that they got caught up in the killin or anything, but these next two verses lead me to believe that something must have happened to them.

19:31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:

19:32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

That's right, Lot's daughters conspire to get him drunk and fuck him. I guess they think that God when totally ape shit crazy and killed every man alive except their dad. I guess I can't really blame them for thinking this, because it's not really out of God's character to kill off humanity is it?

Anyway, I don't know how your cock works when your drunk, but for me if I was drunk enough not to notice that my daughters were trying to fuck me then my cock is not going to get hard. It's called whiskey dick.

Lot is immune to whiskey dick.

19:33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

And that pretty much wraps up our story. Lot's daughters each have a son, and each son goes on to head one of the twelve tribes of Israel.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you God.

...we don't need an app for that.

Fuck Apple in their stupid faces.

Don't get me wrong, I love shit as much as anyone alive. I have no problem with Apple approving Apps like this for sale in their app store.

I do, however, have a problem with their arbitrary bullshit way of allowing some apps, and dis-allowing others. Google Voice is totally awesome, but Apple won't allow that app.

Google Voice is so awesome that I can even put a widget right here for fucks like you to call me.



Say something REALLY profane, and I'll post your shit on this blog.

Anyway, my point is Apple is far more evil than Microsoft could ever manage to be. Their fucking iPhone is evil and WAY over priced. I use a cheap ass Cricket Wireless phone with $30 a month service. I don't need to spend two thousand dollars over the course of two years to have an iPhone. I can spend that two grand on two really good hookers, four OK hookers, or a hundred nasty crack whores.

Here is a picture of some whore's ass. I really don't have any sort of justification for putting this here, other than "because I can".

...no pussies allowed!

I am all about the stick and the carrot. Yesterday I brought the stick, telling you about how your stupid Zombie Jesus is kind of a sicko. Today, I am going to highlight some of our societies best and brightest.

Today I want to talk about my friends at Anti-Gym.

These fuckers are not going to take any of your shit. Seriously, this is the sort of gym that will kick your ass out if you don't show up, if you don't work out, if you don't pass their tests.

They will throw Twinkies at you fatties if you are dragging ass.

This commercial pretty much sums up their stance on fatties.

But these guys, much like myself, like to use the carrot too. Have a good workout? Your trainer will offer you a shot of vodka, or maybe some pot.

Get down to 11% body fat for men or 16% for women and your welcome in the "Ravish Room". I have no idea what goes on in there, but I am getting a boner thinking about it.

Their showers are co-ed, and the gym in Denver has windows in the shower room at are open to the street.

As soon as one of these gyms comes to my town, you can bet your ass I'll be signing up.

...your God is a Sick Fuck, part I.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I really don't buy into this Jesus bullshit, so I assume this is going to be a reoccurring topic on this here blog. I guess as some point we can talk about why I don't believe in your God, but for now I am going to jump right into making fun of Him/Her/It.

Okay kids, here is your first assignment. Read the below, it is from Genesis 2:18 - 2:22.

2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

2:19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

2:20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

2:21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

2:22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

2:23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

So, did you get all that? Not too much to absorb, right?

So what do those passages mean to you?

I'm going to translate that into what I understand it to say...

2:18 - God decided man should not be alone.

2:19 - God made a bunch of animals, he told Adam to name them.

2:20 - Adam named them all, but none of them meet his needs.

2:21 - God went back to work, doing a little surgery

2:22 - God made a chick for Adam.

2:23 - Adam liked the chick.

2:24 - Fucking chicks is good.

You still with me? Do you get where I am going with this?

Okay, I'll spell it out for you. "What need did the chick for fill for Adam that all the animals did not?"

Am I wrong here people, or did your God have Adam fuck every animal on the planet and find them wanting before he decided to create a woman?

Your comments are welcome, but I really don't see any other way to read that.

...hello

So my friend Kaftan Wanka has his little blog, and he says shit. I figured I would make a blog, and I could say shit too. The shit I say will probably be very similar to the shit he says, except I will talk about different shit.

I have a few ideas for things to say, but I assume no one will ever read them.