...here are the guess the stupid answers!

Of course they are all true, but you knew that.

A) In Exodus 21:1-4 it is explained that you can own a Jew for 6 years, but them must let him go. If you give him a wife, and she has children then you can keep the wife and children forever. Of course Jews believe the old testament is the word of God, so they have to believe this is OK.

B)  Yes, Mormons have secret handshakes. Why have secret handshakes? So they know if you are the devil!

  1   Suppose you meet someone and you think he may be the devil.  Shake their  hand the normal way.

 2  If they feel like noting -- like air, you know immediately that this person is the devil or a spiritual being!.  Act
      accordingly !

 3  If they feel solid, like you or I,  they may be probably OK,  but we don't  know for sure, do we?
   Try the secret handshake with this person   If they reciprocate -- if they know the secret handshake -- they are
      an angel!   If they don't know the secret handshake, they are surely a real person, because they feel solid.

 4  If they refuse to shake, you can be certain you are dealing with a "Just man made perfect", *  a male, who
      knows the secret handshake, but he nevertheless is not solid, and thus can't shake your hand.
 

Instructions given by Joseph Smith, Nauvoo, Illinois, February 9, 1843.

C) Yup Muhammad (blessings and peace be upon him) had a nine year old wife. Actually, he married her when she was six, but because he was a good and decent Muhammad (blessings and peace and hot young pussy be upon his cock) he did not start fucking her until she was nine.


I wonder how big Muhammad's (blessings and peace be upon him) cock could have been. I've seen nine year old girls, and I am pretty sure I would rip them up. I don't even consider myself to be very well hung. Muhammad (blessings and peace be upon him) must have had a micro-cock.

Lets play Guess the Stupid!

OK - Quick post tonight. Let's play a new game I call "Guess the Stupid".

I am going to give you three "facts" about religions, you guess which is true and which is a lie. Ready? OK!

A) Jews believe it is OK to own slaves. Furthermore, they believe it is OK to own a male Jewish slave for six years, unless you trick him into fathering a child in which case you can own him indefinitely.

B) Mormons have a series of secret hand shakes that they learn during a ritual that includes an elder pretending to be God and teaching the Mormon the final handshake himself.

C) The Prophet Muhammad (blessings and peace be upon him) had a 9 year old wife.

There you go. Which "facts" are true, and which are stupid bullshit I made up?

Jesus hates babies.

I'm going to make an effort to update this blog more often. To that end, here is a quick one...

I am not a big fan of babies. Babies are loud, stinky, rude, and stupid. Babies have no socially redeeming qualities. If not for the small percentage of them that grow into hot twenty two year olds, I might be convinced to go on a jihad against babies.

Turns out, this is one point that God and I agree on. In today's bible lesson, I will read from Psalms 137:9

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

I feel an official "Uncle Hatey says..." tee shirt coming on. Of course there are no new ideas on the internet, so I did a search for "Psalms 137:9 tee shirt". I quickly found this

Easter is for stupid people.

With out a doubt, there is a long list of Easter themed posts I could make. The highest of Christian holidays is packed to the gills with stupid.

 

I could go on for hours about pooka, Ester, druids, human sacrifices, fertility rituals, zombies, or tons of other crazy crap. I submit that you don't need me to roll out the tired "Zombie Jesus" jokes you have all heard.

 

I would like to challenge the rationality of Easter from a front you may not have thought about, but really should have. I would like to ask to consider Easter from a simple mathematical perspective.

The thing is, in Matthew 12:39-40 Jesus makes the rather bold proclamation that he will be dead for 3 days and 3 nights. I'm not going to lay out the whole quote for you, you can look it up yourself. The point that I want to make clear is that this is a conversation about Jesus proving his divinity. He declares that he will not be performing magic tricks for the people who are questioning him; he boldly predicts that he will be dead for 3 days and 3 nights, and this was proof of his divinity.

 

One more time for the slow among the audience. Jesus said "I'm God, but I am not going to prove it. You'll know I'm God when I die, stay dead for 3 days and 3 nights, then rise from the dead." These are His rules for proving divinity, not mine. He explains that He is using 3 days and 3 nights because that is the amount of time that Jonah spent in the belly of the whale (maybe we'll get to that retarded story in a future Uncle Hatey Says). Jesus was a big fan of linking himself back to Old Testament stories and prophesies. He even went so far as to have one of his disciples steal a donkey to fulfill a prophecy (kind of a dick move in my opinion), but I digress.

 

This 3 days and 3 nights being dead thing was also not a one time throw away statement either. He is quoted as saying basically the same thing in Matthew 16:21, Matthew 17:22-23, and Mark 8:31. Others parrot the 3 days dead claim in Acts 10:37-40, and Corinthians 15:3-5. The specific time frame he was going to be dead was important enough to mention at least 6 separate times. None of those mentions say "about 3 days" or anything like that.
 

So, as the brighter bulbs in the audience will have figured out by now, I contend that Jesus failed his own divinity proof by not staying dead long enough. Good Friday is on a Friday and Easter Sunday is on a Sunday.

 

I can hear you Jesus freaks screaming "Friday (hold up 1 finger), Saturday (hold up 2 fingers), and Sunday (hold up 3 fingers). Three days." Again, I ask you to read Matthew 12:39-40 where Jesus himself is quoted as saying "3 days and 3 nights". Find me 3 nights in between Friday afternoon, and Sunday morning before the sun rises.

 

Clearly Jesus was either not divine enough to stay dead for the whole time he claimed, or he was a lair who never had any intention of staying dead for three days and nights. You might not think much of Chuthlu as a deity, but no one can call him a lair.