...Your God is a Sick Fuck, part II

I've gotten some good feedback on my first post in this series, so I figured I'd give you guys another.

Let's talk about Genesis 19: Lot's adventures in Sodom.

We pick up the story after Genesis 18 wherein God is talking to Abraham. God was in a feisty mood that day, and decided he wanted to do some killin'. God figured those fags in Sodom would be a good place to start.

Well Abraham asked God not to kill everybody, but God was in a killin mood, so he told Abraham he would spare the city if there were 50 good people in it. I am assuming God knew there were not fifty people who meet his qualifications for good when he said this.

God and Abraham barter a bit, and eventually the number comes down to ten (all with God knowing full well that is going to kill everybody but Lot and his family anyway, right?). Well Abraham could not find the 10 good people in Sodom, so he gives God the okay to kill everybody, not that God really needed Abraham's okay.

Genesis 19 starts with God, in his infinite mercy, has decided that Lot is an okay dude so he'll warn him to get out of Sodom before the killin starts. God sends two angles to Lot's house to warn him.

Oh No! Those horny fagot townsfolk see the angels going to Lot's house, and they say...

19:4 But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter:
19:5 And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.

In case you are not up on your Bible Speak, the phrase "that we may know them" means "So we can fuck them in the ass".

Anyway, since Lot is a good dude (the one dude in Sodom who is worthy of saving from God's killin spree) he goes out to talk to the raping mob, and tries to broker a deal.

19:6 And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,
19:7 And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.
19:8 Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, the one good man in Sodom has a solution to our little problem. There is a crowd at his door, and this crowd is in a raping mood, so his idea is to give them his two virgin daughters to rape. I, not being a good man, would have tossed the angels to the crowd and said "Hey guys, here are a couple of Angels. I assume they have some kind of special angel powers that are going to allow them to fight you off, but if not go ahead and fuck them in the ass."

As a matter of fact in verse 19:11, the angels do open Lot's door and strike the crowd blind.

So anyway, a couple of verses later Lot starts warning his family about the impending killin God is about to do.

19:14 And Lot went out, and spake unto his sons in law, which married his daughters, and said, Up, get you out of this place; for the LORD will destroy this city. But he seemed as one that mocked unto his sons in law.

Wait - His daughters were married? The Bible is not really clear on this point, but I have to assume that Lot was lying to the crowd a couple of verses up when he told them his daughters were virgins. I guess if your going to toss your daughters out to be raped, you don't tell the rapists that your daughters are a bunch of loose whores.

So I guess we all know that Lot's wife, being another stupid woman, could not keep herself from looking back at her home town burning to the ground.

19:26 But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.

A little harsh for looking at your house burn down, but hey who I am to decide what is just. God wanted to do some killin, and burning down the whole city was not enough for him.

So after his home town burns down, Lot and his two daughter take up residence in a cave.

19:30 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.

I'm not really sure what happened to Lot's sons-in-law from earlier. It does not say that they got caught up in the killin or anything, but these next two verses lead me to believe that something must have happened to them.

19:31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:

19:32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

That's right, Lot's daughters conspire to get him drunk and fuck him. I guess they think that God when totally ape shit crazy and killed every man alive except their dad. I guess I can't really blame them for thinking this, because it's not really out of God's character to kill off humanity is it?

Anyway, I don't know how your cock works when your drunk, but for me if I was drunk enough not to notice that my daughters were trying to fuck me then my cock is not going to get hard. It's called whiskey dick.

Lot is immune to whiskey dick.

19:33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

And that pretty much wraps up our story. Lot's daughters each have a son, and each son goes on to head one of the twelve tribes of Israel.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you God.

...your God is a Sick Fuck, part I.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I really don't buy into this Jesus bullshit, so I assume this is going to be a reoccurring topic on this here blog. I guess as some point we can talk about why I don't believe in your God, but for now I am going to jump right into making fun of Him/Her/It.

Okay kids, here is your first assignment. Read the below, it is from Genesis 2:18 - 2:22.

2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

2:19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

2:20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

2:21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

2:22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

2:23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

So, did you get all that? Not too much to absorb, right?

So what do those passages mean to you?

I'm going to translate that into what I understand it to say...

2:18 - God decided man should not be alone.

2:19 - God made a bunch of animals, he told Adam to name them.

2:20 - Adam named them all, but none of them meet his needs.

2:21 - God went back to work, doing a little surgery

2:22 - God made a chick for Adam.

2:23 - Adam liked the chick.

2:24 - Fucking chicks is good.

You still with me? Do you get where I am going with this?

Okay, I'll spell it out for you. "What need did the chick for fill for Adam that all the animals did not?"

Am I wrong here people, or did your God have Adam fuck every animal on the planet and find them wanting before he decided to create a woman?

Your comments are welcome, but I really don't see any other way to read that.