Easter is for stupid people.

With out a doubt, there is a long list of Easter themed posts I could make. The highest of Christian holidays is packed to the gills with stupid.

 

I could go on for hours about pooka, Ester, druids, human sacrifices, fertility rituals, zombies, or tons of other crazy crap. I submit that you don't need me to roll out the tired "Zombie Jesus" jokes you have all heard.

 

I would like to challenge the rationality of Easter from a front you may not have thought about, but really should have. I would like to ask to consider Easter from a simple mathematical perspective.

The thing is, in Matthew 12:39-40 Jesus makes the rather bold proclamation that he will be dead for 3 days and 3 nights. I'm not going to lay out the whole quote for you, you can look it up yourself. The point that I want to make clear is that this is a conversation about Jesus proving his divinity. He declares that he will not be performing magic tricks for the people who are questioning him; he boldly predicts that he will be dead for 3 days and 3 nights, and this was proof of his divinity.

 

One more time for the slow among the audience. Jesus said "I'm God, but I am not going to prove it. You'll know I'm God when I die, stay dead for 3 days and 3 nights, then rise from the dead." These are His rules for proving divinity, not mine. He explains that He is using 3 days and 3 nights because that is the amount of time that Jonah spent in the belly of the whale (maybe we'll get to that retarded story in a future Uncle Hatey Says). Jesus was a big fan of linking himself back to Old Testament stories and prophesies. He even went so far as to have one of his disciples steal a donkey to fulfill a prophecy (kind of a dick move in my opinion), but I digress.

 

This 3 days and 3 nights being dead thing was also not a one time throw away statement either. He is quoted as saying basically the same thing in Matthew 16:21, Matthew 17:22-23, and Mark 8:31. Others parrot the 3 days dead claim in Acts 10:37-40, and Corinthians 15:3-5. The specific time frame he was going to be dead was important enough to mention at least 6 separate times. None of those mentions say "about 3 days" or anything like that.
 

So, as the brighter bulbs in the audience will have figured out by now, I contend that Jesus failed his own divinity proof by not staying dead long enough. Good Friday is on a Friday and Easter Sunday is on a Sunday.

 

I can hear you Jesus freaks screaming "Friday (hold up 1 finger), Saturday (hold up 2 fingers), and Sunday (hold up 3 fingers). Three days." Again, I ask you to read Matthew 12:39-40 where Jesus himself is quoted as saying "3 days and 3 nights". Find me 3 nights in between Friday afternoon, and Sunday morning before the sun rises.

 

Clearly Jesus was either not divine enough to stay dead for the whole time he claimed, or he was a lair who never had any intention of staying dead for three days and nights. You might not think much of Chuthlu as a deity, but no one can call him a lair.