let's start a religion

I am a terrible liar.

Well, that is probably not accurate. I think I am a pretty good lair, I just choose to almost never lie.

I have no moral compunction against telling a tie, I see no reason that your are in any way entitled to the truth from me. I don't owe you anything.

The reason I don't lie is because I don't see you as worth the time or effort it would take me to lie to you. Most of the time there is no reason for me to even speak to you. Assuming I find some reason to speak to you, I am sure as hell not going to put in the effort to lie to you. I just don't love you that much.

The point is, I lack the most fundamental of qualifications to start a religion. I have no interest in raising my game as a lair to the levels achieved by profits like Jesus, Moses, Mohammad, John Smith (he really should have come up with a cooler name), or L. Ron Hubbard.

As such, I always though the vocation of prophet-hood would be closed to me. Turns out I was premature in that assumption. I have figured out a way I can be the major prophet of my own religion, and I don't have to lie to anyone!

So I submit for your approval, the major tenants of Uncle Hateyism (this name is still under review. I'm a big ideas man, and as such I can not be bothered with the common drudgery of naming my own religion.)

1. There is no evidence for the existence of any supernatural God.
2. All known religions falsely claim some sort of divinely inspired knowledge of God.
3. Humanity is possessed of enough facility of reason to deduce that both point 1 and point 2 are true.
4. If there exists a God, he has gone to extraordinary lengths to ensure that all above points are true.
5. Given points 1-4, it is safe to assume that if God exists he does not want Humanity to believe in him.

So I'll be basing my religion on those major tenants. I might just narrow them down to #5, as I assume anyone with any sort of intelligence already understands one though four.

There is still a lot of work to do. I still need to write a holy book, or at least get a good start on one. Of course the pressure is really off on that one; I mean we've already established that my holy book can not be divinely inspired, so the quality of writing does not have to meet the high levels of quality prose already established by the religions based on actual gods.

...I hate stupid people, and their god damn Swine flu.

So I guess a major theme I try to hit on in this space is attacking stupidity. Much of my efforts here have been aimed at God because religion is one of the biggest refuges for stupidity in American society.

Today, I am going to attack stupidity as it relates to Swine flu. This may well turn into a bit of a series, as there are lots of aspects of "Swine flu hysteria" that piss me off. In this post I am going to focus on washing your hands.

So I recently had a conversation with a retard about how anti-bacterial soap and alcohol work to kill germs, and create "super-bugs".

The first thing I want to touch on is that the flu is a virus. A virus is a very different animal than a bacteria. I am not going to go into a huge explanation of the differences here, but lets suffice to say that anti-bacterial soap does not kill a virus.

Regular soap and water will do just as good a job of cleaning your hands as anti-bacterial soap and water. Neither will kill flu viruses on your hands, but they will remove the physical media in which the flu virus tends to live on your hands.

Now the stupidity I wanted to address here is the differences between anti-bacterial soap and rubbing alcohol. These two things kill bacteria by two very different methods. Anti-bacterial soap "poisons" 99% (plus or minus) bacteria, leaving alive the 1% that is resistant to the anti-bacterial agent. This 1% then reproduces, and passes on its resistance to its progeny, leaving future generations "stronger". This is bad for us.

Alcohol, however, does not "poison" bacteria. The process by which alcohol kills bacteria is more like a physical action. Alcohol disrupts the bonds of cell membranes causing bacteria to "pop", and this action is not something to which bacteria can become resistant.

So to sum up - If you are worried about flu, be that swine or bird or monkey or slug or sea cucumber varieties, you SHOULD wash your hands. However anti-bacteria soap does not help, and can even make "it" (by "it" I mean bacterial based infections, which no variety of flu is) worse. Alcohol is a much better choice than anti-bacterial soap, but for protection against flu hot water and soap is just as good.

...it's time to give Roman Polanski the chair, and bomb France.

I'm not uptight.

There are lots of "crimes" for which I could see giving a dude a pass. There are even more things that I could see saying "It's been 32 years, why not let it go".

Roman Polanski's situation is not one of them.

This asshole raped a 13 year old girl.

You can read the indictment on TSG here

Why has this fuck been allowed to live in France for 32 years?

...Your God is a Sick Fuck, Part V

I just love this God bashing stuff too much to stay away, so here we go again.

Now I hear a lot of "Sure the Old testament is kind of rough, but that is why Jesus came to earth. The New Testament much more moral."

I would agree that on balance, the New Testament is less horrible than the Old Testament. However, I have actually read the Bible and I am pretty sure that Jesus is just as much of a Sick Fuck as your Old Testament Jew God.

We can start with the idea that God had to send his son (who is really him) to earth to be tortured and sacrificed to absolve us of our sins.

Really?

Who is making these rules? If God is in charge, couldn't he forgive our sins with out the torture part? Is there some cosmic power that out ranks God and demands blood? It's either that, or your newfangled Jesus type God is still a Sick Fuck in my book.

However, I am sure that is not going to convince anyone that God is a truly Sick Fuck. Your already used to the idea of him nailing his son to a cross, so you are going to want more proof.

Today, I'll start with the book of Matthew. We don't have full on insane stories, like we do in Genesis, but we do have some pretty interesting one-liners.

1. Jesus tells a man who had just lost his father: "Let the dead bury the dead." 8:21
2. Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21
3. Jesus says that he has come to destroy families by making family members hate each other. He has "come not to send peace, but a sword." 10:34-36
4. Jesus warns us not to love our parents or children too much. We have to make sure that we always love him (who we don't even know existed) more than our family. 10:37
5. When Jesus' mother and brothers want to see him, Jesus asks, "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?" So much for Jesus' family values. 12:47-49
6. Jesus is criticized by the Pharisees for not washing his hands before eating. He defends himself by attacking them for not killing disobedient children according to the commandment: "He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death." (See Ex.21:15, Lev.20:9, Dt.21:18-21) So, does Jesus think that children who curse their parents should be killed? It sure sounds like it. 15:4-7
7. In the parable of the unforgiving servant, the king threatens to enslave a man and his entire family to pay for a debt. This practice, which was common at the time, seems not to have bothered Jesus very much. 18:25
8. "It is not good to marry."
   After Jesus denounces divorce, his disciples say that if divorce isn't allowed, then "it is good not to marry." Jesus agrees by saying that it is better to make yourself a eunuch "for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it." 19:10
9. Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward. 19:29
10. Jesus tells us to "call no man your father upon the earth." Not even dear old dad? How can we "honor our father" if we refuse to call him our father? 23:9
11. "Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days." Why? Does God especially hate pregnant and nursing women? 24:19
12. Jesus compares the kingdom of heaven to ten virgins who went to meet their bridegroom. 25:1
    

This Jesus guy seems like just as much of a prick as his old man to me.

...Your God is a Sick Fuck, part IV

We've covered a number of biblical topics that show if the Bible was really written, transcribed, or inspired by God then he is a sick fuck.

Today, I want to take the idea that if there is a God he is fucked in the head in a new direction.

One of the things I often hear from theists, or deists, is: "Sure the Bible is a load of shit, but just look around you. How would something so beautiful as a giant redwood come into being without God?"

Ladies and Gentlemen; the quickest way to convince me that you are a retard is to say something like that. The answer to that question is evolution by natural selection.

I'm not going to go into a huge science lesson here for a couple of reasons. First of all, fuck that shit. It would take me a long ass time to teach you evolution theory (when a scientist says "theory" he does not mean what you think he means, dipshit), and I don't want to spend a long time typing about topics that do not lend themselves to dick jokes.

What I will do, however, is pretend for a moment that God really did intelligently design the world and all the flora and fauna in it. In doing that, I will have the opportunity to once again point out the fact that if your God really does exist he is most assuredly a sick fuck.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Tarantula Hawk! The Tarantula Hawk is actually a wasp, and if this thing was designed by God, then he is most assuredly a sick fuck.

From the Wikipedia entry for this wasp:

They capture, sting, and paralyze the spider, then they either drag the spider back into her own burrow or transport their prey to a specially prepared nest where a single egg is laid on the spider’s body, and the entrance is covered. The wasp larva, upon hatching, begins to suck the juices from the still-living spider. After the larva grows a bit, it plunges into the spider's body and feeds voraciously, avoiding vital organs for as long as possible to keep it fresh.

I have no desire to meet the God that thought designing that thing was a good idea.

I could go though thousands of examples. From the arms race between cheetah and antelope (if God designed those two animals to run so fast that they constantly break themselves, he is truly an evil fuck), to the Ebola virus. If God really thought this shit up, then he is truly a sick bastard.

As always I welcome your comments. Unfortunately, the comments I do get are written by retards. If you look down at one of my earlier posts, there is a comment that appears to have been written by a monkey.

Hey - click some links while your at it, fuckholes. Maybe Google will give me money if you click a few of those!

...your God is a sick Fuck, Part III

When I decided to make a blog, I didn't really plan on just ranting about God. It's just that I get the most feedback from these, so I figure I'll go with it.

I am going to approach today's episode of "your God is a sick Fuck" a little differently. Today I am going to give you an assignment. Your homework is to pretend that you are going to die tomorrow, and you have a child that will be born today. I want you to write a list of 10 "rules to live by" for that child. The 10 things that you would tell that child to give it the best chance at having a good life. Go do that now, preferably in the comments section. I'll do the same below.

OK here are my rules for my unborn child.

1. Treat people like you want them to treat you. - That one is pretty self explanatory, and I think it should top any sane persons list.
2. Save your money. Once you get your first full time job set that as your "base income", then anytime you get a raise or change jobs for more money put 50% of that raise straight into savings.
3. Learn how to give a woman an orgasm. Really - most dudes can't fuck for shit. I can't tell you how much "referral pussy" I have gotten just because I can make a woman come.
4. Ask for proof. Don't believe shit people tell you with out seeing the proof. If someone tells you that vaccines cause autism, then you should ask for the proof. If someone tells you this pill will make your dick bigger, ask for the proof. If someone tells you God will get pissed off if you fuck a dude in the ass, ask for proof.
5. Learn how to examine evidence. This goes with #4, you have to know how to evaulate evidence.
6. Wear a rubber. I know pussy feels better than latex, but wearing a rubber will keep your ass out of SO much trouble.
7. Don't drink and drive.
8. Take a risk once in a while. Try some shit that you are scared of. I'm not taking about trying to fuck a wolverine, I mean try jumping out of a plane or ballroom dancing or asking a hot chick out.
9. Read. Reading is Fundamental!
10. Read the first 9 things I just said again. Really, it's good advice.

OK hopefully you wrote a list something like mine. It's probably not 100% the same, but it should be pretty close. If it's not close, you are most likely a giant asshole.

Now I want you to write another list. This time I want you to pretend you are starting a religion. I want you to write a list of 10 rules you can give to people that will make your religion grow, give you lots of power, and make you really fucking rich.

So here are my 10 rules for me new religion.

1. This religion is the one true religion. All other religions are fucking bullshit. If you don't join my religion you are a fucking looser and you are going to hell.
2. I am the one true God. Really, don't fuck with me on this one or I will fuck your shit up.
3. Don't even fuck around with pretending there are other Gods. I will set your balls and your children on fire if you fuck with me.
4. My name is really fucking important. Don't let any asshole make fun of me, and you should touch your forehead to the ground anytime you hear my name.
5. You need to come to my church and hear from my priest, Uncle Hatey, at least once a week. And bring you wallet, or you get the hose again.
6. Listen to your parents. They know I am the one true God and they bring their wallets.
7. Don't kill people, unless I or my priest say it's OK.
8. Don't be slinging that cock around. if your out there getting ass, then your not in here listening to Uncle Hatey.
9. Don't steal shit.
10. Don't be a lair.
    

So, any of this remind you of anything?

...the children are our future.

I've been a little lax in the posting shit for a week or so, I'd say "I'm sorry" but that would be a lie. There was a holiday weekend, and I ended up with a dead hooker I had to deal with. Shit happens, we take care of it.

So today I want to talk about the children. When exactly did they become our future? I grew up in the 70s, and I am pretty sure I was not anyone's future.

Now I've got a kid, and I am starting to see how the world has changed. He started 3rd grade this week, and for some stupid reason I needed to go by his school and see what an excellent learning environment my tax dollars were buying.

On the tour of the school there were a few things I noticed that really pissed me off. The first thing was the god damn peanut ban. I was fucking amazed at how many signs there are all around the god damned school proclaiming that peanuts are banned from school property!

I should have taken some pictures with my camera phone, but I didn't. I'll put up a picture of a naked woman here, and you can imagine it is a picture of a sign sayings "No Peanuts!"

The other thing I saw that pissed me off was in the gym. Actually what pissed me off was NOT in the gym - THERE WAS NO FUCKING ROPE.

Look people, this country is filled with pussies. Not the nice pink shaved kind, but the fat lazy useless kind. The quickest way to turn a little boy into a real man is to make him climb a rope.

I'm sure some of you fags would argue that point, and my response would be - when is the last time you climbed a rope?

Look, we are pretty much fucked and I have come to accept that. Fixing this country is going to be a huge task. All I am saying is there are a couple of easy things we can do to start setting the world right. Stop pretending everything will kill us (i.e. peanuts), and make the kids climb a rope.

Do that shit, and I promise this will be a better world.