It's a very short journey from "I am blessed by God" to "get in the oven, Jew".

As with most things that piss me off, it started on Face Book.

Someone posted something like "My life is awesome", and one of this person's idiot friends replied "You are blessed by God."

Well I would not be Uncle Hatey if I let shit like that pass unchecked. I will use this space to explain to you, my dear readers, why it is a short journey from "I'm blessed by God" to "Get in the oven, Jew".

The reasoning is simple, and it has happened many times in human history. Someone decides that they have God's favor because they have made the choices that God supports. This, very quickly, leads the favored to wonder "What has that person done that God is not showing them the same favor he has shown me?"

The answer that most often comes back from a non-existent deity is "He does not worship me in the manor which I have prescribed."

Once it has been established in the mind of the favored that

• God approves of the way he lives his life.
• God does not approve of the way that other guy lives his life
• God's perfect morality allows for the harsh punishment of those who do not live the way I do

then it is clearly morally justifiable for those who think they are favored by God to set off on a Crusade, hide pedophile priests from law enforcement, or fly planes into buildings.

Since I started this off with a Hitler reference, and there is no doubt some of you idiot readers will be thinking to yourselves "Hitler was an atheist", I will end this post y pointing you to this link.

...here are the guess the stupid answers!

Of course they are all true, but you knew that.

A) In Exodus 21:1-4 it is explained that you can own a Jew for 6 years, but them must let him go. If you give him a wife, and she has children then you can keep the wife and children forever. Of course Jews believe the old testament is the word of God, so they have to believe this is OK.

B)  Yes, Mormons have secret handshakes. Why have secret handshakes? So they know if you are the devil!

  1   Suppose you meet someone and you think he may be the devil.  Shake their  hand the normal way.

 2  If they feel like noting -- like air, you know immediately that this person is the devil or a spiritual being!.  Act
      accordingly !

 3  If they feel solid, like you or I,  they may be probably OK,  but we don't  know for sure, do we?
   Try the secret handshake with this person   If they reciprocate -- if they know the secret handshake -- they are
      an angel!   If they don't know the secret handshake, they are surely a real person, because they feel solid.

 4  If they refuse to shake, you can be certain you are dealing with a "Just man made perfect", *  a male, who
      knows the secret handshake, but he nevertheless is not solid, and thus can't shake your hand.
 

Instructions given by Joseph Smith, Nauvoo, Illinois, February 9, 1843.

C) Yup Muhammad (blessings and peace be upon him) had a nine year old wife. Actually, he married her when she was six, but because he was a good and decent Muhammad (blessings and peace and hot young pussy be upon his cock) he did not start fucking her until she was nine.


I wonder how big Muhammad's (blessings and peace be upon him) cock could have been. I've seen nine year old girls, and I am pretty sure I would rip them up. I don't even consider myself to be very well hung. Muhammad (blessings and peace be upon him) must have had a micro-cock.

Lets play Guess the Stupid!

OK - Quick post tonight. Let's play a new game I call "Guess the Stupid".

I am going to give you three "facts" about religions, you guess which is true and which is a lie. Ready? OK!

A) Jews believe it is OK to own slaves. Furthermore, they believe it is OK to own a male Jewish slave for six years, unless you trick him into fathering a child in which case you can own him indefinitely.

B) Mormons have a series of secret hand shakes that they learn during a ritual that includes an elder pretending to be God and teaching the Mormon the final handshake himself.

C) The Prophet Muhammad (blessings and peace be upon him) had a 9 year old wife.

There you go. Which "facts" are true, and which are stupid bullshit I made up?

Jesus hates babies.

I'm going to make an effort to update this blog more often. To that end, here is a quick one...

I am not a big fan of babies. Babies are loud, stinky, rude, and stupid. Babies have no socially redeeming qualities. If not for the small percentage of them that grow into hot twenty two year olds, I might be convinced to go on a jihad against babies.

Turns out, this is one point that God and I agree on. In today's bible lesson, I will read from Psalms 137:9

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

I feel an official "Uncle Hatey says..." tee shirt coming on. Of course there are no new ideas on the internet, so I did a search for "Psalms 137:9 tee shirt". I quickly found this

Easter is for stupid people.

With out a doubt, there is a long list of Easter themed posts I could make. The highest of Christian holidays is packed to the gills with stupid.

 

I could go on for hours about pooka, Ester, druids, human sacrifices, fertility rituals, zombies, or tons of other crazy crap. I submit that you don't need me to roll out the tired "Zombie Jesus" jokes you have all heard.

 

I would like to challenge the rationality of Easter from a front you may not have thought about, but really should have. I would like to ask to consider Easter from a simple mathematical perspective.

The thing is, in Matthew 12:39-40 Jesus makes the rather bold proclamation that he will be dead for 3 days and 3 nights. I'm not going to lay out the whole quote for you, you can look it up yourself. The point that I want to make clear is that this is a conversation about Jesus proving his divinity. He declares that he will not be performing magic tricks for the people who are questioning him; he boldly predicts that he will be dead for 3 days and 3 nights, and this was proof of his divinity.

 

One more time for the slow among the audience. Jesus said "I'm God, but I am not going to prove it. You'll know I'm God when I die, stay dead for 3 days and 3 nights, then rise from the dead." These are His rules for proving divinity, not mine. He explains that He is using 3 days and 3 nights because that is the amount of time that Jonah spent in the belly of the whale (maybe we'll get to that retarded story in a future Uncle Hatey Says). Jesus was a big fan of linking himself back to Old Testament stories and prophesies. He even went so far as to have one of his disciples steal a donkey to fulfill a prophecy (kind of a dick move in my opinion), but I digress.

 

This 3 days and 3 nights being dead thing was also not a one time throw away statement either. He is quoted as saying basically the same thing in Matthew 16:21, Matthew 17:22-23, and Mark 8:31. Others parrot the 3 days dead claim in Acts 10:37-40, and Corinthians 15:3-5. The specific time frame he was going to be dead was important enough to mention at least 6 separate times. None of those mentions say "about 3 days" or anything like that.
 

So, as the brighter bulbs in the audience will have figured out by now, I contend that Jesus failed his own divinity proof by not staying dead long enough. Good Friday is on a Friday and Easter Sunday is on a Sunday.

 

I can hear you Jesus freaks screaming "Friday (hold up 1 finger), Saturday (hold up 2 fingers), and Sunday (hold up 3 fingers). Three days." Again, I ask you to read Matthew 12:39-40 where Jesus himself is quoted as saying "3 days and 3 nights". Find me 3 nights in between Friday afternoon, and Sunday morning before the sun rises.

 

Clearly Jesus was either not divine enough to stay dead for the whole time he claimed, or he was a lair who never had any intention of staying dead for three days and nights. You might not think much of Chuthlu as a deity, but no one can call him a lair.

The Catholic Church is a criminal organization, and you are morally obligated to treat it and it's supports accordingly.

It is clear that the Catholic Church has institutionally supported child molestation. There is no indication that the Church has done anything to rectify this. As such, it is morally obligatory that the Church and all of it's supporters are guilty of child molestation by proxy.

When I was making this proclamation recently, someone challenged me to "fix it". Clearly I can not do that, but there is more that I can do so I will.

I will loudly and publicly explain why the Catholic Church is a criminal organization, and I will explain what the Catholic church and it's supporters can do to redeem themselves.

Part I - Why the Catholic Church is a criminal organization.

There is a preponderance of evidence that the Catholic Church has institutionally allowed known child molesters to be put in situations where they would have access to molest children. Furthermore the Church has institutionally supported protecting child molesters from criminal prosecution. This are criminal act.

The individuals that are guilty of this include the current Pope, and many sitting cardinals and bishops. This is well known and documented. If anyone would like me to lay out the evidence against the Church, I can but what is the point. You've seen it, you know they fuck children.

Part II - What can the Catholic Church do to redeem itself?

I'll lend the Pope a hand. I will highlight the points the Pope needs to hit in a speech he should give that would start the redemption process for the Catholic Church.

1) The Pope needs to admit personal responsibility for 

• Personally moving a known child molester and putting him in a position where he could, and did, molest again.
• Contributing to the authorship of and promoting the enforcement of Church doctrine to protect know child molesters.

2) He needs to submit himself for criminal prosecution in all jurisdictions where he has committed crimes.

3) The Pope needs to instruct the Church to pay for any Medically Efficacious treatment for anyone who can reasonably demonstrate they are victims of  abuse by Catholic Priests. I do not advocate the Church should make financial payments to any victims unless so ordered by a court of law.

4) The Pope needs to modify the recruitment process for priests so to make every reasonable attempt to exclude child molesters from priesthood.

5) The Pope needs to order that ALL Church records be opened to examination by any interested law enforcement agency in order to criminally prosecute child molesters.

6) The Pope should make it clear that he has asked forgiveness of his God, and this process is part of the necessary redemption for his and the Churches actions.

7) The Pope should demand that this process be repeated at every organizational level of the Church guilty of such crimes (including step 8).

8) The Pope should resign.

Part III - What are Catholics morally obligated to do?

1) Stop giving money to the Church until the Church has started to redeem itself.

2) Treat the Church as the criminal organization it is until it has started to redeem itself.


Is there anything I missed? Is there anything else I could do to "fix it"?

...let's play "Stupid or Liar".

Let's say a man running for President of the United States of America says he "didn't inhale". That statement would be an excellent focus for a game of Stupid of Lair.

Now I don't mean to pick of old Slick Willey; almost anything that almost any politician says is likely to meet the conditions of the game, it's just that was the first thing that jumped into my mind.

I'm sure there are thousands of quotes I could have used from W, I just don't want to ruin all the work my brain did to block out any memory of his administration.

Back to Willey; presumably his statement would have us believe that he took a marijuana cigarette in his grubby little hands and moved it to his mouth. He then sucked the thing to get smoke into his mouth, but failed to inhale the smoke into his lungs for some reason.

Now we all take turns stating if we think Willey is stupid or a lair, and then justifying our choice. Of course I gave you an easy one to start with, everyone knows Willey is way too smart to waste a perfectly good doobie. Additionally he has clearly demonstrated his bald faced skills as a wold class liar.

One point for everyone who called Lair.

Now that your warmed up, we'll move on to a harder one.

Given

1. God exists
2. God is good
3. God is both omniscience and omnipotent
4. Evil exists

I want your stupid or lair answers one of the two possible resolutions to the problem of evil. Either "God has the power to eliminate evil, but chooses to allow it's existence" or "God does not have the power to eliminate evil with out destroying free will."

Here are a few points for you to work into your answers.

Heaven: If evil has to exist on earth, does it have to exist in Heaven? If evil does not exist in Heaven, does that mean free will does not exist in Heaven? If I don't have the free will to hunt down Jessica Alba circa "Idle Hands" and rape the living shit out of her, is it really Heaven?

Free Will: Even if God has to allow free will, that is not the same as allowing free action.I bet there exists right now a paraplegic who wants to dance a jig but can not. He has the free will to want to dance, but not the free action to perform that dance. Why can't God give Catholic Priests the desire to fuck little children, but make their dicks fall off before they can whip them out?

Morality: If you were an all powerful God, would you allow Nichols Cage to make "Bangkok Dangerous"? It's is possible there are more heinous violations of universally accepted morality that God has allowed to occur, but I can not think of any at the moment.

God's Omnipotence: If God is really all powerful, then who is making these rules he seems to have to follow? He really could not forgive humanities sins unless he sent his son/self to earth for 30 years, then had his son/self tortured?

God is a sick fuck: If he can stop Nick Cage from making movies, but chooses not to then I have no choice but to deem him a sick fuck. Go ahead and say it, it feels good.

There is the set up, now you go...